I have a confession to make. I hate writing.
There. I've said it. And though confession is supposed to be good for the soul, I don't feel particularly better. But let me clarify.
I hate sitting down at the computer and staring blankly at the screen with no idea what to write next. I loathe forcing myself to type words and sentences I know don't precisely convey my meaning. I cringe knowing that, even if I eke out a few meager pages, they will later most likely be torn apart, rewritten, edited, and polished because I'm too clumsy a writer to get it right the first time. I agonize as I hand over those pages to friends whose opinions I value so highly only to be told, "It isn't your best work."
Writing sometimes makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me cry. Makes me lie down on my bed and weep. The relentless battle towards publication exhausts me.
So why do I do it? If I hate it so much, why do I even bother?
That's a question I ask myself with increasing regularity. I guess, it's because there are still things I love about writing, too. I love the moment a new idea sparks my imagination. I love rolling that idea over in mind, twisting and turning it into a semblance of a plot. I love developing characters, learning their in's and out's, discovering why they act as they do. I even love doing rewrites and editing.
I just don't love writing that first draft. It's what I force myself to do so that I'll able to do all the fun stuff.
I'm a member of several writers' groups, so I know the writing process isn't this painful for others. I've heard other writers talk about how much they love writing rough draft. I've heard them describe how quickly and easily stories pour from their fingertips to the keyboard. I've heard them discuss how their stories flow effortlessly and hours stream by uncounted. How time flies when they write.
I stand there listening to them describe their writing experiences and mostly I just want to poke them with a large stick. (If you're one of these nauseating individuals, don't worry. I rarely carry such sticks with me.)
Writing isn't easy for me. It's damn difficult and that's why I hate it so. Over the past year, I've sworn no fewer than three times to give it up completely. "That's it! I'm never writing another word."
And yet today, I find myself dutifully typing away, trying to explore through writing -- the only way I know how -- why writing is so difficult for me.
Maybe it's because of my personality. I'm a relentless perfectionist. Or maybe it's that I procrastinate too much. After all, I've always worked best with external deadlines, something hard to come by as an unpublished writer.
Or maybe my muse is a bit of bitch.
Whatever the reason, this holiday season, while I wasn't writing, I spent a lot of time at the movies. I was struck that two of this year's most popular movies, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Lord of the Rings, are both about the battle between good and evil.
We are drawn to these stories by the simplicity of their core beliefs. Good and evil, love and hate are all easily recognizable. Clearly delineated. For a short time, these stories allow us to live a world that is simple and uncomplicated.
In real life, things are never that easy. Sometimes the lines between good and evil may be blurred beyond recognition. The thing you love may also be the thing you hate. Like with me and my writing.
And perhaps in real life, the battle between good and evil is the battle within yourself, the battle to find the balance between love and hate. It's a battle I fight every day, less glorious and dramatic than the epic battles depicted on screen, but crucial nonetheless.
Like young Harry Potter facing the evil Lord Voldemort, like the humble hobbit Frodo Baggins defying the dark Lord Sauron, I arm myself with what weapons I have -- knowledge, determination, friendship -- and go off to vanquish my own worst enemies -- procrastination, self-doubt, and fear. And maybe today I'll win.
Emily McKaskle is currently at work on her fifth novel. Her Golden Heart manuscript, LOVE LETTERS TO TABITHA, is being considered by Harlequin.
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